Sifting through keepsakes hidden
in the cobwebbed confines where I was young
and stumbling on your heels:
years of ticket stubs, old outfits
and records of questionable value,
all worn, torn or broken.
You said you'd trade it all for the silence
and gave up everything to be heard.
I ate every word, crammed skeletons
behind every door.
Growing up I felt guilty.
You compromised convictions
I thought I could live with.
You'd just go through the motions
while I fell for every stance you took.
It's hard not to look down with anyone watching,
to feel nothing trapped in the wrong body.
No one's born with what they want.
You say it's been inside you all along
knowing what's outside matters more.
Any page you could turn back
I've torn out. Dead hands of your memory,
I've let go.
Track Name: You're It
How cruel to have to start anew, having learned each others' every bump and sinew.
All along no one had a clue.
So far removed from pillow talk truth was the real you.
We'll be in the arms of others soon; there are swarms of charming
lovers falling out of the blue. The odds incalculable but I found and lost you,
crossed you, now and again, hand-in-hand with your new boyfriend
but strangely it's no different
than any bullshit couple, insignificant without another.
Sometimes I find myself longing for you,
and I have to recall what it's like to be smothered,
how much we suffered, lying under the covers.
All that time wasted, trying to make it
for what seems to be the sake of not breaking up.
Convenience. The only reason people prefer one thing over another.
Track Name: User
In a hurry to show up I got worried I'd be early so I stopped and walked around the block.
Things get blurry. Didn't mean to get lost, took the long way back so I wouldn't get accosted by cops.
I'd just been fired for looking too tired 'cause I'm up all night, wired around the clock.
Inside got so hot I'd die. I tried to lie down but couldn't hide from the thought:
I was stuck. Had too much too fast and fucked up. No one asked but I spilled my guts.
Woke up to sirens, signs of violence, and violet eyelids. Pigs in the sky, trying to incite us.
Meant to split as soon as it hit, tripped up the Fire alarm. Slapped with a possession charge.
I was hungry but had no money and it was too late for charity. I'd take advantage of anyone's hospitality. What've I got to give? I don't even know the meaning of generosity. Life's not fair to me. Society breeds disparity. It's scary to think they'll spare me a hit here and there in hopes that I'll quit if I admit that I'm powerless but there's no safe place to sleep on the street, nowhere to shower, nothing for me to eat at this hour. It's not my fault they lied to me, prescribed me my anxieties, tried to hide my insecurities so I would believe I was diseased. They conspire to keep us tired, make it hard to get by. We're not afraid to break the law because we know the system's flawed.
You can keep your pharmaceuticals, your rulebooks and cubicles. I'm through being a loser. Everyone's a user.
Track Name: On His Deathbed, Holding Your Hand
It's a long drive to your new home.
The sound of tires lapping up open road.
The mutual feeling of being disowned.
He'll say “son you should've known
not to throw it all away.
When I was your age
I was a time bomb waiting to explode.
It's no secret that's how you were born.
Life's too short to do what you're told.
Death is forever and it's getting old.”
What could you really call your own?
He's gone but you're never alone.
What good is believing in ghosts?
You have to learn to live with remorse.
What would he say you don't already know?
You'll run out of time to grow.